Morning Mensa

Have you ever tried to use elevated vocabulary in an attempt to impress someone clearly more educated than you?  If you haven't, I wouldn't recommend trying it.  If you have, then you'll appreciate my most recent gaff of having used the word "largesse" as a euphemism for fatness.  I was describing a girl I had met at a party only hours before. My audience, a rare book collector with degrees from Yale and Cambridge (who had also attended the party), knew that I could have no idea whatsoever of the young woman's financial generosity.  His instinctive expression of disapproval quickly dissolved into an affectionate smile as he took pity on me for my obvious blunder.  We shared a laugh; it was a nice moment.  And that is how we stumbled upon my new favorite* portmanteau: largenesse, n., the quality of being both fat and generous with money...

I was reminded of all this when early this morning I received the following forwarded email, which I have shared below but cannot attribute to any source in particular.   Please enjoy...

Here are the winners of this year's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The  substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer, dude.

12.  Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17.  Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent,  adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
---

*My previous favorite: griend, n., a gay friend (credit to M.)

Oscar Pistorius: Why I Might Believe Him

I have no intention of making this about guns.  Although I will say, it would have been hard to kill Reeva Steenkamp (may she rest in peace), especially by accident, if Oscar Pistorius had been protecting himself from intruders with a knife or, say, the cricket bat he used to bash down the door after the shooting.  Of course, I'm well aware that a knife or a cricket bat does one little good in the face of an intruder with a 9mm of his own.  Like I said, I have no intention of making this about guns.  Although I will also say, Pistorius should probably have had a license for the one he had.  In this case, he would have been able to get one anyway.

I also have no intention of making this about doping.  Although I will say, this year has been rough in terms of fallen heroes.  I think the basic lesson there is: even heroes are human.  Or is it…humans need steroids to become heroes?  I’m not sure.  I don't mean to compare Lance Armstrong to Oscar Pistorius.  While their stories might share commonalities, the cases at hand are totally different in terms of almost everything – the crime, intent, motive, scale, victims, consequences -- even in terms of doping itself.  Really everything except that they are indeed both human and that humans do make mistakes.

I also have no intention of making this about the facts of the case.  Although I will say, the facts are important -- essential, in fact.  And if you're interested in them, go read the nine million other articles about the facts of the case.  No, this post is not about facts.  It's about why I might believe Oscar when he says: I did it by accident.

Having been to Johannesburg and with quite a few South African friends of my own, I can tell you that the fear of intruders there is very, very real.  Carjackings, break-ins, stabbings, robberies, and the like are all too common in South African society.  I am wont to dismiss such fears as paranoia.  Easy for me to say in the Connecticut suburbs...

I remember when I brought my dearest South African friend home to Easton for the first time.  It was Rosh Hashanah, on a beautiful, warm September evening just before sundown. We pulled up in the driveway in my mother's Mercedes (his mom had one just like it) with the top down.  To his surprise and (to my surprise) his dismay, he said: "You're leaving the keys in the car?!"  I laughed.  Of course I was.  Top down.  Unlocked.  “This is Easton,” I said dismissively.

Five months later in Joburg, when we were driving his mom's Mercedes (top up), it was my turn to be surprised and dismayed.  It was a beautiful, warm March evening just before sundown.  "You just ran that light!!" I shrieked.  "We don't stop at robots here," he responded.  "Carjackers."  We got to the end of his street.  The armed guards allowed us to pass.  He pressed a button on the key fob to open the gate at the end of the driveway, then another to open up the garage.  Then another for the alarm, which then took a passcode.  Then he used a key to open up the iron grill on the back door, which he then closed and locked behind us.  I looked at him in disbelief.  “This is Africa,” he said in the gravest seriousness.

So what does all this have to do with Oscar Pistorius shooting his girlfriend?  It basically comes down to fear.  Fear – of something real or imagined – and the panic it creates.  Try to remember how frightened you felt the last time you thought someone had broken into your house.  Were those footsteps you heard?  A floorboard creek downstairs?  Now imagine living in a place where that kind of thing actually happens all the time.  And then imagine not having any legs.  Don’t get me wrong: he might very well have killed her on purpose.  I think we almost all hope that he didn’t.  All I’m saying is: I believe there is a very real possibility that he panicked and killed her by accident.

Let’s also not forgot that Oscar’s mistake could ruin his career – if not the rest of his life.  Based on what I’ve seen of him, particularly in his interview with Piers Morgan last year, he seems like a pretty smart and altogether well adjusted guy.  I think he might have foreseen the disastrous consequences of shooting and killing his girlfriend – “accident” or not.  Furthermore, no one can seem to find anyone who has anything bad to say about the guy, except maybe a roommate of his at the Olympics who claims Oscar spent nights yelling on the telephone.  Having dated an Olympic athlete myself, I can’t say I’m shocked to hear that the guy is intense.  I mean, come on: it’s the Olympics for Pete’s sake.

In the end, only time – and a serious investigation (testoster-what?) and a fair trial (imagine) – will tell whether Oscar Pistorius is telling the truth or some variation thereof.  Or it might not.  The whole thing is a terrible tragedy regardless of what happens from here on out.  I think all there is to do now is reserve judgment and hope for the best.

How To Get Into College And Be Successful (Have I Piqued Your Interest?)

I was out to a lunch with a friend for her birthday the other day.  Her oldest son is beginning the college search (read: she is beginning her son's college search).  Anyone who has gone to college or has had a child go to college knows, the process can be filled with anxiety and worry, real and imagined.  Being a doer from a family of doers, our friend has gotten a jump on the college search (her son is just only a junior).  She explained that she is a person who knows how much time she has and will actively work towards her goal until the due date.

We can contrast that with the thinkers, who ruminate on a subject during most of the precious available time and only take action when the remaining time is less than or equal to the time required to complete the task at hand.  That would be us.  I'm not making normative statements here, just identifying two types of people.  In this case, the thinkers were able to assuage the doer's fear that her time was running out, assuring her that she needn't feel so pressed as to act rashly.

Our friend had already gone to the public library and checked out The Princeton Review's 377 Best Colleges and a heap of related tomes.  I laughed a bit at her and a bit at myself: at her because she can well afford to buy the books ten times over and would actually read every page twice, and at myself because I hadn't ever thought of checking the books out from the library, and the purchased books remain unread on my shelf to this day.  You are how you were raised, it seems.

In any event, our friend was disappointed but also slightly amused to find her son not reading these books but rather interlocking their pages as if shuffling playing cards.  Once they were sufficiently intertwined, he would try to pull them apart to test their (and his own) strength.  Perhaps he has a future in physics and/or bodybuilding.

Noting some anxiety, I assured my friend that everything would work out as it was meant to.  In general, we're big believers in that.  That doesn't mean we believe in fate.  Rather, we believe in our natural ability as people to find our own way.  If you are open-minded and take one day at a time, you'll always wind up where you belong.  Of course, when talking about college, few people are comforted by hearing that, especially from me.

But it is true.  I find that many and most people start out thinking that they should go somewhere or do something because it is what they are supposed to want.  My school was right for me, but it isn't right for everyone.  Admittedly, I didn't look at college guides, and I never visited any other schools, but I followed my gut.  And that's why I got in, I think.  Maybe I did exactly what I'm saying not to do and got lucky, but I don't think so.

So, I advised, keep reading about and visiting schools until you find something that you like and that feels right to you.  Again, you don't want to hear it from me, but forget about US News rankings and all that baloney.  The rankings are based on statistical fact, but in viewing these aggregate data, we forget two things.  The first is that the students they measure already go to that school.  They have been selected by an admissions committee on the basis of its expert evaluation.  The fact that students who go to a school are performing a certain way says nothing about a student who doesn't go there.  Furthermore, aggregate data are rarely useful enough to reliably predict the performance of any individual.  You are unique and will fit in to an environment in your own way.  And if it's a bad way, then it doesn't matter what the statistics say: you will do poorly.

Like I said, admissions committees are the experts when it comes to how students will do at their school.  They review thousands of applications each year and have a solid grasp on who will thrive and who will wither, and they will use your application to determine into which category you fall.  Given that, there is that great temptation to tell admissions committees "what they want to hear."  But, trust me, they will know what you're trying to do and reject you.  Even if you've managed to trick them, you're not doing yourself any favors.  By putting yourself in a place you don't belong, you're doing more harm than good.  You will be miserable.

The best applications, then, are the most honest ones; the ones that tell the committee who you are and not what you do; the ones that show a whole person and not just a student, not just the captain of the soccer team, not just the president of the student council.  Just be honest about yourself and what's important to you, what makes you different and unique, what makes someone else want to know more about you.  Just be honest, and you will be fine.  And you will wind up where you belong.

After you wind up where you belong, you'll find out you didn't know yourself as well as you thought you did.  College is a place where you can expect the unexpected, where you can expect to find out you aren't the person you were told you were or who you thought you wanted to be.  You'll meet all sorts of kooks and weirdos and/or find out that you are one.  My advice always is to take every chance you get to hang out with people that are different from you, as long as they're not doing anything dangerous or stupid.  Most often you'll be surprised how much you like them once you give them a shot.

To make my point more concrete, I recounted a story over lunch about a conversation I had had with a recent college freshman.  It was not a girl I knew well, but whom I had known quite some time.  We had volunteered at Sunday School years back.  She had always been a sweet and smart girl, a good sister and daughter, and as far as I could tell, a good friend to others.

She was telling me about her small Liberal Arts school, and how excited she had been to meet her new suite mates.  She had been randomly assigned to a suite of six girls (herself included).  The last suite mate to arrive was a girl named Melissa (names changed).  She walked into the suite wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a backpack.  She had short hair, and wasn't wearing any makeup or jewelry.  By process of elimination, my friend greeted the girl as Melissa.  Melissa responded, "I go by Matthew.  You can call me Matt."

It caught her off guard.  It's not every day you're freshman roommate is a trans man, after all.  I was impressed, though, with how gracefully and maturely she seemed to have been handling the situation.  Sure, she was a little uncomfortable, at least at first.  But she soon realized that being uncomfortable was a personal problem, ultimately have little to nothing to do with Matt and his lifestyle.  He showed no interest in her other than being suite mates, maybe even friends.

Back at the lunch table, our friend was reminded of when she had visited Skidmore just over 30 years earlier.  She told us how her mother thought the Saratoga Springs campus was simply lovely.  But as soon as her father saw two girls kissing, he had seen enough.  They were out of there in a New York minute.  "I'm not like that," our friend said, "you do what you want, as long as your not in my face about it.  I mean, you can do what you want as long as your not making other people uncomfortable."

It was a fair point but one that I thought needed qualification.  As far as I'm concerned, everyone needs to look in the mirror and ask themselves if their own standards of normalcy are making all the weirdos feel bad about themselves.  Everyone deserves the right to be who they are, and if that makes you uncomfortable, well, then that's your problem.  Just because you're more "normal" doesn't give you priority.

And that's one of those beautiful things you learn in college.  Be who you are, and learn to tolerate, even enjoy, the people around you for who they are and what they believe in.  Be honest about what you think, but don't judge others for having different opinions.  Don't apologize for what you have or lie about where you've come from, but also don't look down on those with less or mindlessly worship those with more.  They are worth no more or less than you are.

So, in the end, my advice was nothing more than what I would have said in almost any other situation.  Be honest and open, tolerant and accepting, willing to learn about others but especially about yourself.  And stop worrying so much about what or who you're supposed to be.  Frankly, it's the safer and easier choice anyway.  But if you can handle a little risk and are interested in long-term returns, then bet on yourself.  You are a solid investment.

Is/are there any question/s?

I woke up this morning to a interesting text message.  It asked about the peculiar feature of the English language shown in the two example sentences below:

1. Let me know if you have any questions.
2. I'm sorry for any inconvenience.

You'll notice that in the first statement, the noun following "any" is in the plural (questions), but in the second, it is in the singular (inconvenience).  Why should that be?  Mightn't it be just as proper and make just as much sense if these sentences read as follow?

1a. Let me know if you have any question.
2a. I'm sorry for any inconveniences.

If you're a native speaker of American English, then these sentences surely sound odd to you.  Additionally, you might have been reminded of any of the following common phrases.

1b. Is there any question (that)...?

Perhaps you've discovered that the usage of "question" in instance 1. differs from the usage in 1b.  In the former instance, the word refers to "a sentence worded or expressed so as to elicit information."  In this sense, "question" is a countable noun.  That is, he has two questions, but I only have one.  However, in the latter instance, this same word refers rather to "a doubt about the truth or validity of something."  Here, "question" is less concrete, more conceptual, and (althought technically countable), less apt to be counted in the same way.  Now see this.

2b. The inconviences of rural living can wear on aging people.

Here, "inconvenience" in instance 2. refers to trouble caused, whereas the instance in 2b. refers to instances of such trouble.  The line is indeed blurier, but still there somewhere.  Below are a few other fun examples, just to push the point a little further.  These examples are not consistent in terms of usage differences, but they all still illustrate a point I make earlier about countable and uncountable nouns.

3. I don't see any glass.
3a. I don't see any glasses.

These are totally different words.  The first "glass" is an uncountable noun.  Now that you've swept up, there is no more glass on the floor.  The second "glasses" can be both an inherently plural noun, referring to eyeglasses, or it can be a countable noun in the plural, as in wine glasses.  This sentence could have either meaning.

4. Do you have any money?
4a. Have there been any monies exchanged?

Here, "money" refers to a medium of exchange, whereas "monies" refers to discrete sums of money.

5. Is there any soup on the menu?
5a. Are there any soups on the menu?

The first example here also can have two meanings.  Do you see?  The second is more specific, asking about the existence of a soup or variety of soups listed on the menu.

Hopefully, there isn't any question that I've made things clearer, but if there are any questions, please do let me know.